I've been told many times that I'm very strong willed... stubborn I believe is actually the word most people have used... and I really don't deny it. Of course I've also been told on a regular basis that I let people take adavantage of me; something I deny because I don't believe someone can be taken advantage of if they're honestly aware of the situation. You can choose to participate in something that really has no positive in it for you, but if you make a conscious choice to go forward then I find it ridiculous to try and write the experience off as having been taken advantage of.
Anyway as usually I have veered off in a direction nowhere near where I wanted to go. Today, while I was out in the sun on a muddy field watching my Shortman play in two soccer games instead of being at my niece's wedding as originally planned, I decided to use my subborn ways to make a positive change in my life.
In 14 months, give or take a week or two, I will be 45 years old and I'd sort of like to reach that milestone healthier physically, mentally, and emotionally. Soooooooo starting tomorrow I'm going to try and start putting in place some new goals for life. The first step is something I've done a few times but always seem to break down on. I'm going to stop drinking soda. Now I know this sounds like a fairly easy thing to do, especially considering the fact that I can control my smoking habit with relative ease. I have to tell you that no matter what it's like for anyone else, breaking the Pepsi habit for me is sort of like kicking a heroine addiction. I get headaches to the point that I have to lie in a dark room, I get nauseated for the first several days to the point that I completely lose my appetite, and I get irritable... very very irritable.
That's step one because it's the most simple yet the most difficult for me. The next step is to set up some sort of routine for going to the gym and working out. I really need someone who knows what they're talking about to motivate me and push me along, so since I already have a gym membership that I'm paying for I'm going to investigate the possibility of their having personal trainers who can help me lose the rest of the weight I want to lose.
Once I've lost the rest of my weight, gotten myself some tone and muscle mass, and captured some semblence of cardiovascular health I'm going to look into having some reconstructive surgery. There are several things I want to have done, not out of vanity or in some vain hope of trying to recapture some youthful look that I never had in the first place (I was morbidly obese for most of my life so for me there is no "return to my youthful figure" complex) but simply because I want to like the way I look.
It's taken me 43 years, nine months, and 14 days to really like the person I am and I still have a ways to go before I can accept all my flaws, eccentricities, bad habits, and ugly thoughts... but now I'm giving myself 1 year, 2 months, and 16 days to get on a solid road toward liking the outside person as well.
Once I actually sit down and map out some goals I may post a little ticker on here somewhere to keep track of how I'm doing, but until then if you see me and I'm looking a little frazzled just remember that I am without my caffeine crutch so just smile and back away slowly.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
It's Raining... again...
I may not have mentioned this before, but I HATE THE FREAKING RAIN!!!! Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love a good raging thunder storm, and I'm well aware that rain is a good thing... especially for those of us in the farming regions where a lack of rain can create shortages of food for both people and animals... but I detest nasty, gray, dreary, Eeyore rainy days!!! These are the days that seem to be plaguing my community this spring and today is definitely a prime example.
These days are heavy, depressing, irritating and gross and they tend to leave me feeling exactly the same. I'm not at all creative or productive either in my job or my personal pursuits, and they tend to affect my children in the same way... that of course just spells disaester (yes I know it's spelled incorrectly, but I'm not in any frame of mind to hit the spell check key so live with it) for all of us as we're trapped together with no way out.
This of course wasn't supposed to be the topic of today's blog post. I had something cheerful and witty in mind originally, and then I went to the Dr and had a conversation with a nurse that inspired a wonderful blog on the topic of sarcastic wit, but the weather has drained all those thoughts and replaced them with the simple thoughts I just typed out... and seeing as I'm on the library's one hour policy at the moment that all you're getting today.
These days are heavy, depressing, irritating and gross and they tend to leave me feeling exactly the same. I'm not at all creative or productive either in my job or my personal pursuits, and they tend to affect my children in the same way... that of course just spells disaester (yes I know it's spelled incorrectly, but I'm not in any frame of mind to hit the spell check key so live with it) for all of us as we're trapped together with no way out.
This of course wasn't supposed to be the topic of today's blog post. I had something cheerful and witty in mind originally, and then I went to the Dr and had a conversation with a nurse that inspired a wonderful blog on the topic of sarcastic wit, but the weather has drained all those thoughts and replaced them with the simple thoughts I just typed out... and seeing as I'm on the library's one hour policy at the moment that all you're getting today.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Apparently I'm Peculiar...
This I'm sure surprises no one who knows me at all. I'm not, and have never been, a round peg kind of girl. My beliefs are ecclectic, my tastes are ecclectic... except for my taste in food and in that case if it's not plain hamburger, grilled chicken breast, a steak filet, or albacore then chances are I won't eat it. Especially if it has some sort of sauce, gravy, or flourish to it... Long story short I'm not a person that you can meet once, look at, and proceed assuming you know anything about me.
One of the things I'm a little peculiar about is, I have been told anyway, my tendency to collect people. I love people in general, probably why I like working retail, and there are just some people who almost immediately capture some little piece of my heart. There isn't much I wouldn't do for anyone who treats me decent, but for these particular people I would do anything... pretty much without limitation or question. Not because I want, or expect, something in return, but because for whatever reason doing something that makes them happy, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, makes ME happy. That's it, end of story, no ulterior motives, intricate plans, or perverted notions...
Doing something nice for someone that my gut instinct tells me deserves it.. apparently that makes me peculiar... and actually, I'm really okay with that :)
One of the things I'm a little peculiar about is, I have been told anyway, my tendency to collect people. I love people in general, probably why I like working retail, and there are just some people who almost immediately capture some little piece of my heart. There isn't much I wouldn't do for anyone who treats me decent, but for these particular people I would do anything... pretty much without limitation or question. Not because I want, or expect, something in return, but because for whatever reason doing something that makes them happy, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, makes ME happy. That's it, end of story, no ulterior motives, intricate plans, or perverted notions...
Doing something nice for someone that my gut instinct tells me deserves it.. apparently that makes me peculiar... and actually, I'm really okay with that :)
Sunday, April 3, 2011
What to do, what to do....
I am currently experiencing a milestone in life. Tomorrow Amazon.com or whoever their actually fiduciary douches are will begin the process of direct depositing my first royalty check! It's for January sales on both my self-published Kindle books (Saving Alexandria and Guardian of Dreams... hint hint hint) and it's a whopping $20.93... but yet it's MY $20.93 earned in royalties on something I wrote and published and people cared enough to buy.
This, like the publishing process itself, is exciting and at the same time terrifying. Where do I go from here? There are more books to come, some finished, some nearly finished, some barely begun, and without a publisher I can make them available at my leisure. So again I ask, where do I go from here? I have someone who has offered to help me develop a "web presence" which sounds extremely intriguing and yet terrifying at the same time.
The ultimate question is how far do I want to put myself out there? On the one hand I have had very modest, yet fairly consistent sales over the past three months with absolutely no marketing whatsoever. I periodically post the links to the e-books on my Facebook page and I've put them here in my blog a couple of times. On the other hand is the idea that if I take a chance and get my name out there not only will it generate sales, but could ultimately make my writing more appealing to conventional agents and publishers.
So the elephant in the room is the question of whether or not I want to put myself out there full Monty and undertake the lofty goal of actually marketing myself and advertising my books. That's the elephant... the gigantic steaming pile of elephant poop is the idea that I will put myself out there, advertise, market, all in all make a spectical of myself and end up with the same modest sales I have had all along... or even better no more sales.
So speak to me great advisors and speakers of wisdom... I can't be who I'm not, and most people don't have a clue how to take me... do I really want to throw that out there for the whole world to see?? Or for the whole world to point, laugh at and ultimately shun?? LOL
This, like the publishing process itself, is exciting and at the same time terrifying. Where do I go from here? There are more books to come, some finished, some nearly finished, some barely begun, and without a publisher I can make them available at my leisure. So again I ask, where do I go from here? I have someone who has offered to help me develop a "web presence" which sounds extremely intriguing and yet terrifying at the same time.
The ultimate question is how far do I want to put myself out there? On the one hand I have had very modest, yet fairly consistent sales over the past three months with absolutely no marketing whatsoever. I periodically post the links to the e-books on my Facebook page and I've put them here in my blog a couple of times. On the other hand is the idea that if I take a chance and get my name out there not only will it generate sales, but could ultimately make my writing more appealing to conventional agents and publishers.
So the elephant in the room is the question of whether or not I want to put myself out there full Monty and undertake the lofty goal of actually marketing myself and advertising my books. That's the elephant... the gigantic steaming pile of elephant poop is the idea that I will put myself out there, advertise, market, all in all make a spectical of myself and end up with the same modest sales I have had all along... or even better no more sales.
So speak to me great advisors and speakers of wisdom... I can't be who I'm not, and most people don't have a clue how to take me... do I really want to throw that out there for the whole world to see?? Or for the whole world to point, laugh at and ultimately shun?? LOL
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Accepting The Unacceptable...
Today (Thursday, March 24) my second oldest granddaughter, Aryiana, should have been 9 months old. She should be eating babyfood, or more likely skipping the babyfood like her sister did and going straight for the good stuff whether she has any teeth or not. She should be pulling up to my coffee table, crawling after the new puppy her Aunt Bekah brought home to "find a good home for" and getting her fingers smacked for touching the cigarettes, lighter, ashtray, etc. etc. etc. She should be jumping in the jumper, chattering like a magpie, walking with her sister and her uncle Karl holding her chubby hands to keep her balanced, and blowing raspberries and spit bubbles.
Instead she is singing with the angels. She is making our departed family laugh with her silly antics and her beautiful smiles. She sits at the feet of Jesus and listens to His stories of the world and why it is the way it is. She hears and knows and understands why she was given to us for such a short time and then taken away with no warning and no explanation. She sends on whispered memories and laughing dreams tiny bits of peace and strength so those of us left behind know we can and must go on without her. She sends smiles to her Mommy, sloppy baby kisses to her Daddy, waves to her Sissy, and hugs for the rest of us who love and miss her more than we can deal with most days.
10 days ago marked the six month anniversary of Ary's death. I don't give tribute to that day by calling attention to it because I would rather remember the 11 weeks of joy that her life brought to me than the endless loss that came with her death. My daughter-in-law said today that acceptance sometimes takes a lifetime. She is, as always, wise beyond her years and I am unbelievably proud of the way she and my son have taken tiny steps toward recovering from something no parent should ever have to survive. I have no doubt that they will both reach the stage of acceptance, probably long before I do. I still spend a few moments most nights stomping my feet and demanding answers that I know I can't have; pleading for things I know can never be. I still revel in the occasional thought that I just haven't seen her in a while because I'm busy and work too much, but then I feel that tiny head against my shoulder, the whispered breath on my face. It's her way of letting me know she's with me now and always, that she won't leave again and that it's okay to remember and admit that she isn't physically here anymore... admit, not accept... I'm not that far yet.
This blog post was written in loving memory of Aryiana Leigh Engle 6/24/10 - 9/14/10...
Mamaw loves her Turtle
Instead she is singing with the angels. She is making our departed family laugh with her silly antics and her beautiful smiles. She sits at the feet of Jesus and listens to His stories of the world and why it is the way it is. She hears and knows and understands why she was given to us for such a short time and then taken away with no warning and no explanation. She sends on whispered memories and laughing dreams tiny bits of peace and strength so those of us left behind know we can and must go on without her. She sends smiles to her Mommy, sloppy baby kisses to her Daddy, waves to her Sissy, and hugs for the rest of us who love and miss her more than we can deal with most days.
10 days ago marked the six month anniversary of Ary's death. I don't give tribute to that day by calling attention to it because I would rather remember the 11 weeks of joy that her life brought to me than the endless loss that came with her death. My daughter-in-law said today that acceptance sometimes takes a lifetime. She is, as always, wise beyond her years and I am unbelievably proud of the way she and my son have taken tiny steps toward recovering from something no parent should ever have to survive. I have no doubt that they will both reach the stage of acceptance, probably long before I do. I still spend a few moments most nights stomping my feet and demanding answers that I know I can't have; pleading for things I know can never be. I still revel in the occasional thought that I just haven't seen her in a while because I'm busy and work too much, but then I feel that tiny head against my shoulder, the whispered breath on my face. It's her way of letting me know she's with me now and always, that she won't leave again and that it's okay to remember and admit that she isn't physically here anymore... admit, not accept... I'm not that far yet.
This blog post was written in loving memory of Aryiana Leigh Engle 6/24/10 - 9/14/10...
Mamaw loves her Turtle
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The State of the World As We Know It...
One of my first Facebook statuses today was that I was feeling sad and going to look for something good to read to distract myself until time for work. I found something good to read, or reread actually; Lynsay Sands Born to Bite. It's one of her Argeneau novels and if you care at all for paranormal romance it's definitely a series not to be missed.
But I digress. I was feeling sad this morning, and actually I'm still feeling a bit sad. Partially due to personal situations that are just a part of life and will work themselves out as my children and I continue to adjust to the changing roles of adult parent child relationships. What really made me sad, and has bothered me for awhile now (and yes I already know how utterly ridiculous this is going to sound, but bear with me and I'll sort of explain at the end) is this whole thing with Charlie Sheen.
Now don't get me wrong here, I'm not a crazed Charlie Sheen groupie (everyone knows my preferences for Shemar Moore above all else) or generally one to follow the antics of Hollywood. I could care less what Lindsy Lohan is stealing or who Brittney Spears is flipping out on. I don't know if it's just because Charlie Sheen has chosen to direct his rants focused on the camera and in person as opposed to being caught by nosy paparazzi. Perhaps it's because I have people that I love above all else in life who suffer from drug and alcohol abuse/addiction as well as mental illnesses; or maybe it's the respect that I've always had for Martin Sheen as a fellow Dayton native. Whatever reason this instance of insantity or detox psychosis or whatever it is have sort of thrown me for a loop.
Again don't be misled here, I don't at all feel sorry for Charlie Sheen. He's been given more opportunities and feet forward than most and I'm a hard fast believer in the idea that life hands out mitigating circumstances not excuses. Personal responsibility for ones actions is important to me and while drug addition and mental illness should never be ignored as motivators they should also never be accepted to excuse responsibility for someone's actions... at least not in my little corner of the universe...
So what exactly is my problem? What is it making me sad? I think it's the fact that everytime I hear someone talking about it or see a Facebook post it's always about how crazy he is or speculation on whether this is a result of detox or just continuing drug use. (Which is, most likely, exactly what keeps good ole Charlie ranting on, because it either brings attention to his plight or feeds his delusions of grandeur which are part and parcel of BiPolar Disorder but also come with drug addiction and detox psychosis and there goes the cycle of speculation.) There's never, not even after the speculation and disgust at his actions, any glimmer of consideration for him as a human being or for his family who will suffer the lifelong effects of whatever the hell his malfunction is. Has anyone, anywhere, even once, ever seen a post or overheard a conversation regarding Charlie Sheen that ended with "I'll be keeping Charlie and his family in my prayers"???
Regardless of whether someone is religious in the sense of attending an organized church/prayer service on a regular basis or is a self proclaimed agnostic or athiest shouldn't there be some consideration for the human condition? I don't care if you dance naked around a fire in the clearing at the four solstices or run the pew backs speaking in tongues or poke your nose in the air at any thought of there being an entity more powerful than you controlling your destiny... there is never an excuse for completely ignoring the suffering of another human being... At least not in my little corner of the universe...
So I'm not saying feel sorry for the earths idiots, addicts, thieves, thugs, gangsters, and physically unattrative... I'm just saying to remember two things: #1, if you're religious you might want to keep in mind the addage "There but for the grace of God go I" and take heed that just because you have a good life situation today doesn't mean that will be the case this time next year. and #2 for those of you who don't believe in the power and presence of God I give
you this... Karma is a bitch with PMS and a GPS and sooner or later your address will be the next on her hit list.
Pay it forward people... a prayer, a kind thought, a smile in an elevator... none of those things will cost you a dime but they could be worth a lottery to the person on the receiving end.
But I digress. I was feeling sad this morning, and actually I'm still feeling a bit sad. Partially due to personal situations that are just a part of life and will work themselves out as my children and I continue to adjust to the changing roles of adult parent child relationships. What really made me sad, and has bothered me for awhile now (and yes I already know how utterly ridiculous this is going to sound, but bear with me and I'll sort of explain at the end) is this whole thing with Charlie Sheen.
Now don't get me wrong here, I'm not a crazed Charlie Sheen groupie (everyone knows my preferences for Shemar Moore above all else) or generally one to follow the antics of Hollywood. I could care less what Lindsy Lohan is stealing or who Brittney Spears is flipping out on. I don't know if it's just because Charlie Sheen has chosen to direct his rants focused on the camera and in person as opposed to being caught by nosy paparazzi. Perhaps it's because I have people that I love above all else in life who suffer from drug and alcohol abuse/addiction as well as mental illnesses; or maybe it's the respect that I've always had for Martin Sheen as a fellow Dayton native. Whatever reason this instance of insantity or detox psychosis or whatever it is have sort of thrown me for a loop.
Again don't be misled here, I don't at all feel sorry for Charlie Sheen. He's been given more opportunities and feet forward than most and I'm a hard fast believer in the idea that life hands out mitigating circumstances not excuses. Personal responsibility for ones actions is important to me and while drug addition and mental illness should never be ignored as motivators they should also never be accepted to excuse responsibility for someone's actions... at least not in my little corner of the universe...
So what exactly is my problem? What is it making me sad? I think it's the fact that everytime I hear someone talking about it or see a Facebook post it's always about how crazy he is or speculation on whether this is a result of detox or just continuing drug use. (Which is, most likely, exactly what keeps good ole Charlie ranting on, because it either brings attention to his plight or feeds his delusions of grandeur which are part and parcel of BiPolar Disorder but also come with drug addiction and detox psychosis and there goes the cycle of speculation.) There's never, not even after the speculation and disgust at his actions, any glimmer of consideration for him as a human being or for his family who will suffer the lifelong effects of whatever the hell his malfunction is. Has anyone, anywhere, even once, ever seen a post or overheard a conversation regarding Charlie Sheen that ended with "I'll be keeping Charlie and his family in my prayers"???
Regardless of whether someone is religious in the sense of attending an organized church/prayer service on a regular basis or is a self proclaimed agnostic or athiest shouldn't there be some consideration for the human condition? I don't care if you dance naked around a fire in the clearing at the four solstices or run the pew backs speaking in tongues or poke your nose in the air at any thought of there being an entity more powerful than you controlling your destiny... there is never an excuse for completely ignoring the suffering of another human being... At least not in my little corner of the universe...
So I'm not saying feel sorry for the earths idiots, addicts, thieves, thugs, gangsters, and physically unattrative... I'm just saying to remember two things: #1, if you're religious you might want to keep in mind the addage "There but for the grace of God go I" and take heed that just because you have a good life situation today doesn't mean that will be the case this time next year. and #2 for those of you who don't believe in the power and presence of God I give
you this... Karma is a bitch with PMS and a GPS and sooner or later your address will be the next on her hit list.
Pay it forward people... a prayer, a kind thought, a smile in an elevator... none of those things will cost you a dime but they could be worth a lottery to the person on the receiving end.
Friday, February 25, 2011
How does this work exactly???
I'm still a bit confused by this whole blog thing. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be trying to lure strangers into reading my ramblings or if people are just supposed to stumble upon me by accident and be wowed by my fascinating (someone PLEASE shoot me in the face if one more freaking stranger tells me how "fascinating" my life is) life? Am I supposed to come up with intriguing questions to pose? Should I just post links to my e-books at Kindle and write about my struggles as a self-publishing (because I'm seriously too broke & too lazy to pursue traditional publication with the consistancy and heart that it demands)? Is this the correct format for heralding my much laughed about fascination with Shemar Moore and Lindt milk chocolate? Or my odd fascination with anything miniature, oversized, or my fetish for office supplies perhaps?
I have to admit it's nice to have this lovely diary like environment to express things and just throw out things in life that won't fit into the character restrictions of a facebook status, but is that really all a blog is supposed to be? I know a lot of people who have multiple blogs... one for personal stuff, one for business, one for hobbies, etc., etc., etc., (shall we dance dom dom dom...) but I can't really come up with enough material that I find worthy of sharing for even one blog on a daily or even weekly basis. Maybe if I had a better understanding of what my purpose was here I would be able to come up with more words to add.
So tell me friends and loved ones (all 3 or 4 of you who read this drivel) what exactly is a blog supposed to be? What is it that you want to read about in these pages of wit, wisdom, and ridiculousness???? Give me purpose... direction... a row to hoe...
Happy 23rd Birthday today to my handsome, wonderful little boy :) I love you Marques Alan!!
This weeks statistics:
* Work schedule still sucks, they're cutting hours like crazy!
* Wrestling is over and we have a much needed break before soccer and horse show season begins!
* I'm up to 15 copies of the 2 e-books I have available at Kindle.com and today ordered my proof copies for the print versions of both Saving Alexandria and Guardian of Dreams! Now to decide if I want to try and do some sort of advertising and promotion for the books or if I'm satisfied with the fact that they're out there.
I have to admit it's nice to have this lovely diary like environment to express things and just throw out things in life that won't fit into the character restrictions of a facebook status, but is that really all a blog is supposed to be? I know a lot of people who have multiple blogs... one for personal stuff, one for business, one for hobbies, etc., etc., etc., (shall we dance dom dom dom...) but I can't really come up with enough material that I find worthy of sharing for even one blog on a daily or even weekly basis. Maybe if I had a better understanding of what my purpose was here I would be able to come up with more words to add.
So tell me friends and loved ones (all 3 or 4 of you who read this drivel) what exactly is a blog supposed to be? What is it that you want to read about in these pages of wit, wisdom, and ridiculousness???? Give me purpose... direction... a row to hoe...
Happy 23rd Birthday today to my handsome, wonderful little boy :) I love you Marques Alan!!
This weeks statistics:
* Work schedule still sucks, they're cutting hours like crazy!
* Wrestling is over and we have a much needed break before soccer and horse show season begins!
* I'm up to 15 copies of the 2 e-books I have available at Kindle.com and today ordered my proof copies for the print versions of both Saving Alexandria and Guardian of Dreams! Now to decide if I want to try and do some sort of advertising and promotion for the books or if I'm satisfied with the fact that they're out there.
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