The Coming of a New Year -- a sort of New Year's letter to those who care to read through to the end...

Christmas is over and as usual I spent much too much money and still wasn't able to get everything I wanted and had envisioned getting for everyone I wanted to get things for.  I wasted too much time worrying over the emotional, financial, and quantity balance of every person on my list, and nearly gave myself a Christmas Eve ulcer making sure things were even. In the end there seemed a general sense of contentment and happiness from the loved ones I presented with gifts and since it's over my OCD can ease back into the darkness until the next gift giving season.  My children seemed satisfied with their gifts and managed to spend a decent amount of time in each other's company without too much stress and I spent a good amount of time with 2 of my 5 remaining grandchildren. 

It's time now to look forward at the coming year.  2010 was particularly difficult for my entire family; there were too many breakups, too much disagreement, and far far too much grief.  We saw joyous times with the birth of four new grandbabies, and suffered crushing loss on September 14, when Aryiana, one of my granddaughters died from what we can only assume to be SIDS.  My mother lost not only a great-grandchild but also both of her remaining sisters all within a 6 month period.

I have hopes that 2011 will be a much more positive year for my family.  My second oldest son will be the first of my children to take the matrimonial plunge when he marries his girlfriend of 7 years. These are kids who have been together since they were 13 & 15 years old and have already struggled and suffered through more than most couples twice their age.  I look forward to helping plan and carry out the most beautiful, most interesting wedding to ever take place.  If anyone knows a church that would be willing to rent/donate the use of their chapel during the late afternoon on Friday, June 24, please let me know who to contact.  We have a minister to perform the ceremony but the church that my kids and I attended for many many years was sold and my son desperately wants a church wedding in a traditional chapel.  The date is pretty much set in stone as it would have been Aryiana's first birthday and it is their way of including their baby in the wedding and commemorating her birth.

The coming year will see my beautiful twin granddaughters celebrate their first birthdays on July 18 & 19, and I thank God every day for each of them and for their wonderful mother who allows me to share their lives despite disharmony between she and my son. 

My precious grandson Noah will also see his first birthday this year on Halloween day.  It will be an amazing journey to watch him grow and see his personality emerge throughout the next months. His big brother Sebastian will turn three in October as well. 

My daughter will become a legal adult and (please please God) begin her senior year of highschool while my baby boy will enter second grand and my oldest granddaughter will begin Kindergarten. 

My older boys will turn 19, 23, and 25 this year, and I find myself praying constantly that the coming year will bring each of them peace of mind, contented hearts, and a more settled place in the universe.

I myself will be 44 years old in July, and I'm completely unsure as to how that occured.  It sounds so OLD, but yet I don't really feel like I'm old.  I don't feel young either and when I look back on my life I wonder how it is possible to have done so much yet accomplished so little.  I'm hoping to solve that riddle at some point this year.

My mother on the other hand will be 86 in September and it amazes me that she has accomplished so much in her life time yet still seems so vital and amazingly strong.  My first and most important request to God this new year will be to let our family keep its matriarch for a very very long time to come.

My goals and resolutions for the new year are fairly simple... I want to be more consistant in taking my medication and exercising to get a tighter grip on my physical, emotional, and mental health.  I want to enjoy my family and my friends whom I rarely get to see.  I want to find a comfortable and contented environment at work so that stress stems only from the people and things who are truly important.  Most of all I want to develop the peace of mind and strength of heart to deal with whatever 2011 holds in store.

Here goes nothing...

Okay I guess you could say this is my maiden voyage into the world of blogging.  I have no clue what I'm doing so it may take awhile before I figure out how to get all the little features and things up and running.  Until then here are some basics...

I'm 43 years old, unmarried but in a relationship I've been in for nearly 15 years.  It's a complicated situation that I'm sure I will get into at some point but that isn't now.  Suffice it to say that we have 5 children; four of whom I adopted as a single mother before Frank and I met and then one biological child we had together after many years of trying.  I'll get into all that more later as well.  Michael just turned 24, Marques will be 23 in February, Keiran is 18, Bekah is 17 and a junior at Greene County Career Center (please dear Jesus she will be the first of my children to actually finish high school and graduate) and Karl turned 7 in October. 

I will say as a precursor to later things that I made the designation of having adopted children once; you aren't likely to see that designation ever again unless it is somehow integral to the subject matter because I have FIVE children, not four and one, FIVE children that belong to me now and forever all in exactly the same way.

I also have 6 grandchildren; Nevaeh, Aryiana, Sebastian, Avery, Makayla, & Noah... 

Nevaeh is 4 yrs old; she is the daughter of my 2nd son and his beautiful girlfriend of 7 years. Her baby sister, Aryiana is the baby in my background picture; she was born June 24, 2010 and passed away from SIDS on September 14, 2010. Turtle's death is something that we are all still dealing with on a daily basis and I'm certain that the grief process will play a huge role here as well.

Sebastian is actually my oldest son's girlfriend's son, but he's 2 years old and I am Mamaw all the same; hopefully loving him like I do won't come back to bite me in the ass at some point in the future.  (I will add the note here that I have an absolutely filthy mouth and I don't intend to edit myself here so reader beware)

Avery & Makayla are my twin grand-daughters born 10 weeks premature on July 18 & 19, 2010.  They are my oldest son's children with his ex-girlfriend; they are beautiful, awesome baby girls that I don't get to see nearly often enough mostly because of distance, stupid work schedules, and my son's severe mental health issues. 

Noah Geronimo is the newest of my grandchildren; born 6 weeks premature on October 31, 2010.  He is also my oldest son's child with his current girlfriend and is Sebastian's baby brother.

I work at Wal-Mart as a Photo Center Specialist despite a fairly decent education which again I'm sure I will get into later.  I'm a Democrat after spending most of my adult life thinking I was a Republican because I don't believe in abortion... I also don't believe in the death penaltry, wouldn't trust a politician from any party any farther than I could carry them on my back, and don't have any interest in debating either my political stances or my religious beliefs.  I am who I am, you are who you are and as long as we respect each other there is plenty of room in the world for all of us. 

I love to read anything that can hold my attention and I guess you could say I'm a writer as well although grief seems to have stifled the creative process somewhat lately.  I had a book published in the early 1990's by a books on disk (yes children I am speaking of floppy disks... little square pieces of plastic that went into a little slot on your computer, which back them had 64 MB hard drives if you were really lucky) publisher out of Littleton, CO.  The book was called Wylde Skies and the company went out of business shortly after it was published.  I haven't been published since, but to give myself some credit I haven't really pursued publication with any consistancy or dedication so it may be that I haven't tried or it may be that my stuff sucks... at some point you'll get to judge that for yourself I'm sure.

As you can tell by this first post I like to ramble and much of what gets posted here will be just that; rambling.  Some will be angry and hurt people's feelings or piss them off, some will be amusing and make people laugh, some will be sarcastic and probably again hurt feelings and piss people off, some might actually make sense but that's a huge maybe.  Either way I told myself if I fell into this blog stuff I wouldn't hold back, that it would be the real me; the me everyone around me thinks they know but really have no idea.

That said... here goes nothing...