I've been told many times that I'm very strong willed... stubborn I believe is actually the word most people have used... and I really don't deny it. Of course I've also been told on a regular basis that I let people take adavantage of me; something I deny because I don't believe someone can be taken advantage of if they're honestly aware of the situation. You can choose to participate in something that really has no positive in it for you, but if you make a conscious choice to go forward then I find it ridiculous to try and write the experience off as having been taken advantage of.
Anyway as usually I have veered off in a direction nowhere near where I wanted to go. Today, while I was out in the sun on a muddy field watching my Shortman play in two soccer games instead of being at my niece's wedding as originally planned, I decided to use my subborn ways to make a positive change in my life.
In 14 months, give or take a week or two, I will be 45 years old and I'd sort of like to reach that milestone healthier physically, mentally, and emotionally. Soooooooo starting tomorrow I'm going to try and start putting in place some new goals for life. The first step is something I've done a few times but always seem to break down on. I'm going to stop drinking soda. Now I know this sounds like a fairly easy thing to do, especially considering the fact that I can control my smoking habit with relative ease. I have to tell you that no matter what it's like for anyone else, breaking the Pepsi habit for me is sort of like kicking a heroine addiction. I get headaches to the point that I have to lie in a dark room, I get nauseated for the first several days to the point that I completely lose my appetite, and I get irritable... very very irritable.
That's step one because it's the most simple yet the most difficult for me. The next step is to set up some sort of routine for going to the gym and working out. I really need someone who knows what they're talking about to motivate me and push me along, so since I already have a gym membership that I'm paying for I'm going to investigate the possibility of their having personal trainers who can help me lose the rest of the weight I want to lose.
Once I've lost the rest of my weight, gotten myself some tone and muscle mass, and captured some semblence of cardiovascular health I'm going to look into having some reconstructive surgery. There are several things I want to have done, not out of vanity or in some vain hope of trying to recapture some youthful look that I never had in the first place (I was morbidly obese for most of my life so for me there is no "return to my youthful figure" complex) but simply because I want to like the way I look.
It's taken me 43 years, nine months, and 14 days to really like the person I am and I still have a ways to go before I can accept all my flaws, eccentricities, bad habits, and ugly thoughts... but now I'm giving myself 1 year, 2 months, and 16 days to get on a solid road toward liking the outside person as well.
Once I actually sit down and map out some goals I may post a little ticker on here somewhere to keep track of how I'm doing, but until then if you see me and I'm looking a little frazzled just remember that I am without my caffeine crutch so just smile and back away slowly.