Wednesday, September 21, 2011

It just keeps spinning...

It's amazing to me how the world just keeps turning no matter how much you wish it would stop or at least slow down enough for a person to catch their breath.  Birth, death, marriage, divorce; life just keeps moving, taking its toll without the world ever so much as hiccuping.  Every day the sun comes up in the East and sets in the West and another week begins as one ends while we all get a little older and a little closer to our individual demise.

Aren't I just a ray of sunshine this evening?  Well that's kind of what life has been throwing at me lately so it's a bit difficult to throw out positive platitudes when I'm really wishing someone would give me a damn direction book for the rest of my life.  I need some positive reinforcement for getting old and sick and watching my family die off one by one leaving me just a heartbeat closer to the great unknown.

There's an old song... I'm really horrible with trivia so I couldn't tell you who sang it or when it was made... but the most memorable line is "Should I stay or should I go now?  If I stay there will be trouble, if I go it will be double..."  That's my emotional mantra these days in pretty much every aspect of life; work, home, private...  too many what ifs and maybes and what would/could happens... too much to think about and no time to search out the answers... no confidence in finding the right ones even if there was time

See what happens when I don't sleep?  I ramble on in a stream of irrational consciousness... but at least after two months I've blogged something so I guess that counts as "I did something today" and if not who will know anyway?

Monday, July 4, 2011

I seem to be returning...

It's been almost two months since I wrote anything here, mostly because I haven't had anything to say that wasn't negative and boardering on homicidal so I just ranted to my best friends and gave a quick smile to the rest of the world.

Some might ask why that is; aren't blogs supposed to be for pouring out all your innermost rants and unloading your soul from its negative energy?  Perhaps, but the way I look at life seems to be a little different than anyone else.  My life is what it is; it's God has planned and it's a compilation of the decisions and choices I've made.  The thing about it is that even knowing some of those choices were wrong I wouldn't go back and change them because to do so would alter the fabric of my life completely and that's just unacceptable.

So why homicidal if things are so peachy keen; I know that's what you're asking yourself now.  Well I never said things were peachy keen.  In fact the last two months has pretty much sucked balls (which I have been informed by my daughter have the same aroma as Feta cheese... having no desire to smell either I'll leave that to the critcs to test for themselves). 

The books had 0 sales in June, which doesn't surprise me since they are still completely unadvertised, not professionally edited, and have over the course of five months brought in a little over $100 in royalties.  I'm happy with that, but it doesn't change that little stab of disappointment when you go to Amazon and see that ugly brown box that denotes having 0 sales.  I could put more time, energy, and money into marketing, advertising, boosting sales, etc., but those things are available to me in teeeeeeeeeeny tinnnnny little portions and right now there are too many other things that suck them up.  So instead I concentrate what little free time to myself I have on finishing the next two books in the series and getting them uploaded.  They might sell or they might not, I might get time to advertise them all or I might not... most likely not LOL

June also saw what should have been the first birthday of my beautiful granddaughter Aryiana who passed away from SIDS September 14, 2010.  I still struggle every day with accepting her death and the week of her birthday was impossibly hard.  We got through it and had a little balloon release at my Mom's. We tied pictures of Aryiana on the balloons with information about their purpose and an address to return them to if they were found.  We've gotten one back so far, from a town in West Virginia about 45 miles North of Charleston they said. We only released 24 so to have even one returned is enough of a miracle for me; my Turtle saw her balloons and loved them.

There were some good things in May and June.  I got a significant improvement in my kidney functions probably due to my laying off the caffeine and soda, and whatever was causing me to feel like I was going to die every time I ate anything pretty much went away.  My sugar is still a daily crap shoot, but I can deal with that with no problem as long as I have access to a bag of candy and a dollar for a hamburger LOL 

The long and short of it all is that my life sucks more days than it blows, but every day I wake up and think about the people in our world who would be thankful to have my life.  The people without children who would consider it a blessing to have one they wanted to strangle.  The people without jobs who would stand in line to take our management's bullshit with a smile.  The people who are truly hungry and thirsty who don't have clean water or food of any kind. The people who walk miles back and forth every day to a job that pays them a month what I make in a day. 

I have a place to live, people who love me, a little money coming in, and a few clothes to wear.  For those things I am forever blessed and thankful and while it doesn't mean life doesn't suck, it does mean I have no right to complain about how bad life is to me. 

If you don't like something in your life then fix it, change it, or shut the fuck up already.... just sayin...

Sunday, May 8, 2011

A Whole New Me...

I've been told many times that I'm very strong willed... stubborn I believe is actually the word most people have used... and I really don't deny it.  Of course I've also been told on a regular basis that I let people take adavantage of me; something I deny because I don't believe someone can be taken advantage of if they're honestly aware of the situation.  You can choose to participate in something that really has no positive in it for you, but if you make a conscious choice to go forward then I find it ridiculous to try and write the experience off as having been taken advantage of.

Anyway as usually I have veered off in a direction nowhere near where I wanted to go.  Today, while I was out in the sun on a muddy field watching my Shortman play in two soccer games instead of being at my niece's wedding as originally planned, I decided to use my subborn ways to make a positive change in my life.

In 14 months, give or take a week or two, I will be 45 years old and I'd sort of like to reach that milestone healthier physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Soooooooo starting tomorrow I'm going to try and start putting in place some new goals for life.  The first step is something I've done a few times but always seem to break down on.  I'm going to stop drinking soda.  Now I know this sounds like a fairly easy thing to do, especially considering the fact that I can control my smoking habit with relative ease.  I have to tell you that no matter what it's like for anyone else, breaking the Pepsi habit for me is sort of like kicking a heroine addiction.  I get headaches to the point that I have to lie in a dark room, I get nauseated for the first several days to the point that I completely lose my appetite, and I get irritable... very very irritable.

That's step one because it's the most simple yet the most difficult for me.  The next step is to set up some sort of routine for going to the gym and working out.  I really need someone who knows what they're talking about to motivate me and push me along, so since I already have a gym membership that I'm paying for I'm going to investigate the possibility of their having personal trainers who can help me lose the rest of the weight I want to lose. 

Once I've lost the rest of my weight, gotten myself some tone and muscle mass, and captured some semblence of cardiovascular health I'm going to look into having some reconstructive surgery.  There are several things I want to have done, not out of vanity or in some vain hope of trying to recapture some youthful look that I never had in the first place (I was morbidly obese for most of my life so for me there is no "return to my youthful figure" complex) but simply because I want to like the way I look. 

It's taken me 43 years, nine months, and 14 days to really like the person I am and I still have a ways to go before I can accept all my flaws, eccentricities, bad habits, and ugly thoughts... but now I'm giving myself 1 year, 2 months, and 16 days to get on a solid road toward liking the outside person as well. 

Once I actually sit down and map out some goals I may post a little ticker on here somewhere to keep track of how I'm doing, but until then if you see me and I'm looking a little frazzled just remember that I am without my caffeine crutch so just smile and back away slowly.

Monday, April 25, 2011

It's Raining... again...

I may not have mentioned this before, but I HATE THE FREAKING RAIN!!!!  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love a good raging thunder storm, and I'm well aware that rain is a good thing... especially for those of us in the farming regions where a lack of rain can create shortages of food for both people and animals... but I detest nasty, gray, dreary, Eeyore rainy days!!!  These are the days that seem to be plaguing my community this spring and today is definitely a prime example.

These days are heavy, depressing, irritating and gross and they tend to leave me feeling exactly the same.  I'm not at all creative or productive either in my job or my personal pursuits, and they tend to affect my children in the same way... that of course just spells disaester (yes I know it's spelled incorrectly, but I'm not in any frame of mind to hit the spell check key so live with it) for all of us as we're trapped together with no way out.

This of course wasn't supposed to be the topic of today's blog post.  I had something cheerful and witty in mind originally, and then I went to the Dr and had a conversation with a nurse that inspired a wonderful blog on the topic of sarcastic wit, but the weather has drained all those thoughts and replaced them with the simple thoughts I just typed out... and seeing as I'm on the library's one hour policy at the moment that all you're getting today.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Apparently I'm Peculiar...

This I'm sure surprises no one who knows me at all.  I'm not, and have never been, a round peg kind of girl.  My beliefs are ecclectic, my tastes are ecclectic... except for my taste in food and in that case if it's not plain hamburger, grilled chicken breast, a steak filet, or albacore then chances are I won't eat it.  Especially if it has some sort of sauce, gravy, or flourish to it...  Long story short I'm not a person that you can meet once, look at, and proceed assuming you know anything about me.

One of the things I'm a little peculiar about is, I have been told anyway, my tendency to collect people.  I love people in general, probably why I like working retail, and there are just some people who almost immediately capture some little piece of my heart.  There isn't much I wouldn't do for anyone who treats me decent, but for these particular people I would do anything... pretty much without limitation or question.  Not because I want, or expect, something in return, but because for whatever reason doing something that makes them happy, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, makes ME happy.  That's it, end of story, no ulterior motives, intricate plans, or perverted notions...

Doing something nice for someone that my gut instinct tells me deserves it.. apparently that makes me peculiar... and actually, I'm really okay with that :)

Sunday, April 3, 2011

What to do, what to do....

I am currently experiencing a milestone in life.  Tomorrow or whoever their actually fiduciary douches are will begin the process of direct depositing my first royalty check!  It's for January sales on both my self-published Kindle books (Saving Alexandria and Guardian of Dreams... hint hint hint) and it's a whopping $20.93... but yet it's MY $20.93 earned in royalties on something I wrote and published and people cared enough to buy. 

This, like the publishing process itself, is exciting and at the same time terrifying.  Where do I go from here?  There are more books to come, some finished, some nearly finished, some barely begun, and without a publisher I can make them available at my leisure.  So again I ask, where do I go from here?  I have someone who has offered to help me develop a "web presence" which sounds extremely intriguing and yet terrifying at the same time. 

The ultimate question is how far do I want to put myself out there?  On the one hand I have had very modest, yet fairly consistent sales over the past three months with absolutely no marketing whatsoever.  I periodically post the links to the e-books on my Facebook page and I've put them here in my blog a couple of times.  On the other hand is the idea that if I take a chance and get my name out there not only will it generate sales, but could ultimately make my writing more appealing to conventional agents and publishers.

So the elephant in the room is the question of whether or not I want to put myself out there full Monty and undertake the lofty goal of actually marketing myself and advertising my books.  That's the elephant... the gigantic steaming pile of elephant poop is the idea that I will put myself out there, advertise, market, all in all make a spectical of myself and end up with the same modest sales I have had all along... or even better no more sales.

So speak to me great advisors and speakers of wisdom...  I can't be who I'm not, and most people don't have a clue how to take me... do I really want to throw that out there for the whole world to see??  Or for the whole world to point, laugh at and ultimately shun?? LOL

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Accepting The Unacceptable...

Today (Thursday, March 24) my second oldest granddaughter, Aryiana, should have been 9 months old.  She should be eating babyfood, or more likely skipping the babyfood like her sister did and going straight for the good stuff whether she has any teeth or not.  She should be pulling up to my coffee table, crawling after the new puppy her Aunt Bekah brought home to "find a good home for" and getting her fingers smacked for touching the cigarettes, lighter, ashtray, etc. etc. etc.  She should be jumping in the jumper, chattering like a magpie, walking with her sister and her uncle Karl holding her chubby hands to keep her balanced, and blowing raspberries and spit bubbles. 

Instead she is singing with the angels.  She is making our departed family laugh with her silly antics and her beautiful smiles.  She sits at the feet of Jesus and listens to His stories of the world and why it is the way it is.  She hears and knows and understands why she was given to us for such a short time and then taken away with no warning and no explanation.  She sends on whispered memories and laughing dreams tiny bits of peace and strength so those of us left behind know we can and must go on without her.  She sends smiles to her Mommy, sloppy baby kisses to her Daddy, waves to her Sissy, and hugs for the rest of us who love and miss her more than we can deal with most days.

10 days ago marked the six month anniversary of Ary's death.  I don't give tribute to that day by calling attention to it because I would rather remember the 11 weeks of joy that her life brought to me than the endless loss that came with her death.  My daughter-in-law said today that acceptance sometimes takes a lifetime.  She is, as always, wise beyond her years and I am unbelievably proud of the way she and my son have taken tiny steps toward recovering from something no parent should ever have to survive.  I have no doubt that they will both reach the stage of acceptance, probably long before I do.  I still spend a few moments most nights stomping my feet and demanding answers that I know I can't have; pleading for things I know can never be.  I still revel in the occasional thought that I just haven't seen her in a while because I'm busy and work too much, but then I feel that tiny head against my shoulder, the whispered breath on my face.  It's her way of letting me know she's with me now and always, that she won't leave again and that it's okay to remember and admit that she isn't physically here anymore... admit, not accept... I'm not that far yet.

This blog post was written in loving memory of Aryiana Leigh Engle 6/24/10 - 9/14/10...
Mamaw loves her Turtle