Monday, July 4, 2011

I seem to be returning...

It's been almost two months since I wrote anything here, mostly because I haven't had anything to say that wasn't negative and boardering on homicidal so I just ranted to my best friends and gave a quick smile to the rest of the world.

Some might ask why that is; aren't blogs supposed to be for pouring out all your innermost rants and unloading your soul from its negative energy?  Perhaps, but the way I look at life seems to be a little different than anyone else.  My life is what it is; it's God has planned and it's a compilation of the decisions and choices I've made.  The thing about it is that even knowing some of those choices were wrong I wouldn't go back and change them because to do so would alter the fabric of my life completely and that's just unacceptable.

So why homicidal if things are so peachy keen; I know that's what you're asking yourself now.  Well I never said things were peachy keen.  In fact the last two months has pretty much sucked balls (which I have been informed by my daughter have the same aroma as Feta cheese... having no desire to smell either I'll leave that to the critcs to test for themselves). 

The books had 0 sales in June, which doesn't surprise me since they are still completely unadvertised, not professionally edited, and have over the course of five months brought in a little over $100 in royalties.  I'm happy with that, but it doesn't change that little stab of disappointment when you go to Amazon and see that ugly brown box that denotes having 0 sales.  I could put more time, energy, and money into marketing, advertising, boosting sales, etc., but those things are available to me in teeeeeeeeeeny tinnnnny little portions and right now there are too many other things that suck them up.  So instead I concentrate what little free time to myself I have on finishing the next two books in the series and getting them uploaded.  They might sell or they might not, I might get time to advertise them all or I might not... most likely not LOL

June also saw what should have been the first birthday of my beautiful granddaughter Aryiana who passed away from SIDS September 14, 2010.  I still struggle every day with accepting her death and the week of her birthday was impossibly hard.  We got through it and had a little balloon release at my Mom's. We tied pictures of Aryiana on the balloons with information about their purpose and an address to return them to if they were found.  We've gotten one back so far, from a town in West Virginia about 45 miles North of Charleston they said. We only released 24 so to have even one returned is enough of a miracle for me; my Turtle saw her balloons and loved them.

There were some good things in May and June.  I got a significant improvement in my kidney functions probably due to my laying off the caffeine and soda, and whatever was causing me to feel like I was going to die every time I ate anything pretty much went away.  My sugar is still a daily crap shoot, but I can deal with that with no problem as long as I have access to a bag of candy and a dollar for a hamburger LOL 

The long and short of it all is that my life sucks more days than it blows, but every day I wake up and think about the people in our world who would be thankful to have my life.  The people without children who would consider it a blessing to have one they wanted to strangle.  The people without jobs who would stand in line to take our management's bullshit with a smile.  The people who are truly hungry and thirsty who don't have clean water or food of any kind. The people who walk miles back and forth every day to a job that pays them a month what I make in a day. 

I have a place to live, people who love me, a little money coming in, and a few clothes to wear.  For those things I am forever blessed and thankful and while it doesn't mean life doesn't suck, it does mean I have no right to complain about how bad life is to me. 

If you don't like something in your life then fix it, change it, or shut the fuck up already.... just sayin...