Thursday, March 24, 2011

Accepting The Unacceptable...

Today (Thursday, March 24) my second oldest granddaughter, Aryiana, should have been 9 months old.  She should be eating babyfood, or more likely skipping the babyfood like her sister did and going straight for the good stuff whether she has any teeth or not.  She should be pulling up to my coffee table, crawling after the new puppy her Aunt Bekah brought home to "find a good home for" and getting her fingers smacked for touching the cigarettes, lighter, ashtray, etc. etc. etc.  She should be jumping in the jumper, chattering like a magpie, walking with her sister and her uncle Karl holding her chubby hands to keep her balanced, and blowing raspberries and spit bubbles. 

Instead she is singing with the angels.  She is making our departed family laugh with her silly antics and her beautiful smiles.  She sits at the feet of Jesus and listens to His stories of the world and why it is the way it is.  She hears and knows and understands why she was given to us for such a short time and then taken away with no warning and no explanation.  She sends on whispered memories and laughing dreams tiny bits of peace and strength so those of us left behind know we can and must go on without her.  She sends smiles to her Mommy, sloppy baby kisses to her Daddy, waves to her Sissy, and hugs for the rest of us who love and miss her more than we can deal with most days.

10 days ago marked the six month anniversary of Ary's death.  I don't give tribute to that day by calling attention to it because I would rather remember the 11 weeks of joy that her life brought to me than the endless loss that came with her death.  My daughter-in-law said today that acceptance sometimes takes a lifetime.  She is, as always, wise beyond her years and I am unbelievably proud of the way she and my son have taken tiny steps toward recovering from something no parent should ever have to survive.  I have no doubt that they will both reach the stage of acceptance, probably long before I do.  I still spend a few moments most nights stomping my feet and demanding answers that I know I can't have; pleading for things I know can never be.  I still revel in the occasional thought that I just haven't seen her in a while because I'm busy and work too much, but then I feel that tiny head against my shoulder, the whispered breath on my face.  It's her way of letting me know she's with me now and always, that she won't leave again and that it's okay to remember and admit that she isn't physically here anymore... admit, not accept... I'm not that far yet.

This blog post was written in loving memory of Aryiana Leigh Engle 6/24/10 - 9/14/10...
Mamaw loves her Turtle

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The State of the World As We Know It...

One of my first Facebook statuses today was that I was feeling sad and going to look for something good to read to distract myself until time for work.  I found something good to read, or reread actually; Lynsay Sands Born to Bite. It's one of her Argeneau novels and if you care at all for paranormal romance it's definitely a series not to be missed.

But I digress.  I was feeling sad this morning, and actually I'm still feeling a bit sad.  Partially due to personal situations that are just a part of life and will work themselves out as my children and I continue to adjust to the changing roles of adult parent child relationships.  What really made me sad, and has bothered me for awhile now (and yes I already know how utterly ridiculous this is going to sound, but bear with me and I'll sort of explain at the end) is this whole thing with Charlie Sheen.

Now don't get me wrong here, I'm not a crazed Charlie Sheen groupie (everyone knows my preferences for Shemar Moore above all else) or generally one to follow the antics of  Hollywood.  I could care less what Lindsy Lohan is stealing or who Brittney Spears is flipping out on.  I don't know if it's just because Charlie Sheen has chosen to direct his rants focused on the camera and in person as opposed to being caught by nosy paparazzi.  Perhaps it's because I have people that I love above all else in life who suffer from drug and alcohol abuse/addiction as well as mental illnesses; or maybe it's the respect that I've always had for Martin Sheen as a fellow Dayton native.  Whatever reason this instance of insantity or detox psychosis or whatever it is have sort of thrown me for a loop.

Again don't be misled here, I don't at all feel sorry for Charlie Sheen.  He's been given more opportunities and feet forward than most and I'm a hard fast believer in the idea that life hands out mitigating circumstances not excuses.  Personal responsibility for ones actions is important to me and while drug addition and mental illness should never be ignored as motivators they should also never be accepted to excuse responsibility for someone's actions... at least not in my little corner of the universe...

So what exactly is my problem?  What is it making me sad?  I think it's the fact that everytime I hear someone talking about it or see a Facebook post it's always about how crazy he is or speculation on whether this is a result of detox or just continuing drug use.  (Which is, most likely, exactly what keeps good ole Charlie ranting on, because it either brings attention to his plight or feeds his delusions of grandeur which are part and parcel of BiPolar Disorder but also come with drug addiction and detox psychosis and there goes the cycle of speculation.)  There's never, not even after the speculation and disgust at his actions, any glimmer of consideration for him as a human being or for his family who will suffer the lifelong effects of whatever the hell his malfunction is.  Has anyone, anywhere, even once, ever seen a post or overheard a conversation regarding Charlie Sheen that ended with "I'll be keeping Charlie and his family in my prayers"???

Regardless of whether someone is religious in the sense of attending an organized church/prayer service on a regular basis or is a self proclaimed agnostic or athiest shouldn't there be some consideration for the human condition?  I don't care if you dance naked around a fire in the clearing at the four solstices or run the pew backs speaking in tongues or poke your nose in the air at any thought of there being an entity more powerful than you controlling your destiny... there is never an excuse for completely ignoring the suffering of another human being... At least not in my little corner of the universe...

So I'm not saying feel sorry for the earths idiots, addicts, thieves, thugs, gangsters, and physically unattrative... I'm just saying to remember two things:  #1, if you're religious you might want to keep in mind the addage "There but for the grace of God go I" and take heed that just because you have a good life situation today doesn't mean that will be the case this time next year.  and #2 for those of you who don't believe in the power and presence of God I give
you this... Karma is a bitch with PMS and a GPS and sooner or later your address will be the next on her hit list.

Pay it forward people... a prayer, a kind thought, a smile in an elevator... none of those things will cost you a dime but they could be worth a lottery to the person on the receiving end.